In this modern day and age, we live in possibly the most sexually liberated civilization of all time. With the rise of birth control and legal abortion, women have been able to take control of their bodies and participate in casual sex without the risk of having to raise a child. Traditional notions of marriage and the inherent sin in sex have all but vanished, and there are few restrictions on sexual behaviour. As a result, treating sex casually is almost seen as virtuous. It is preferable not to care, and there is often a competition between daters of who is able to make the other fall in love without succumbing to the same dreary fate. But are most of us really comfortable with arrangements of pure sexual gratification, such as being friends with benefits? And do they ever really work?

The rationale behind friends with benefits is, of course, appealing. We value freedom and the individual, and we believe society should not impose restrictions on sexual freedom. Self-love is promoted as central to leading a meaningful life, and even when we do engage in serious relationships, we should maintain our individuality. Young and horny as we are, having a friend or two to sleep with without all the hogwash of love and commitment, seems virtually ideal, the only condition being that no one catches feelings. But how good are we really at having sex without forming any attachment?

One way to approach this is through the lens of evolutionary psychology. The basic assumption of this view is that our psychological traits evolved similarly to our biological traits to meet the environmental requirements of our hunter-gatherer ancestors: our brains are stone-age brains living in a modern world. This has been applied to explain sex differences in patterns of jealousy and promiscuity. Cross-cultural studies have shown an overall male preference to have more sex partners, and that men are more jealous about sexual infidelity than women. Women prefer fewer sex partners than men and display more jealousy when it comes to emotional infidelity. The explanation lies in different evolutionary strategies to promote one’s genes in men and women. Women can be sure of being the parents of the child they are raising while men cannot. However, women must also make a much larger energy investment than men through pregnancy. Action patterns of both jealousy and promiscuity might therefore be hard-wired into our brains.  

However, it is important to mention that evolutionary psychology is speculative regarding complex behaviour. The findings about sex differences in promiscuity have for instance been challenged. In other studies, women have shown much higher preferences for multiple sex partners when the study ensures a greater perception of anonymity, meaning that cultural norms probably influence responses. Nevertheless, both evolutionary psychology, sociobiology and anthropology provide rich evidence for our jealous nature. This is also coupled with (surprise, surprise) lots of cheating. In comparison with other species, humans fall somewhere in between a classic pair-bonding species and a tournament species. In fact, most cultures throughout history have been polygamous, but most individuals in every culture end up in a monogamous relationship. However, we really struggle with staying faithful to our partners. Studies have even estimated that between 5-10% of children in Europe have a different father than the person credited with fatherhood. 

So where does this leave friends with benefits? It is unlikely to work for most people. Having sex with the same person repeatedly tends to make people attached and jealous. While it might appear that men will take greater advantage of this sort of stuff than women, they also appear less capable of handling their sex partner and having fun with others. Regardless, you can’t know until you’ve tried it out. Since relationships don’t really tend to work out either, your chances aren’t that bad. 

Written by

torgeir

Norwegian psychology student residing in Paris. Likes books and running